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seems we are all growing up

2014-01-24 15:26:27 by tox

I look around and we all seem to be in our 20's now...

We are no longer the young kids we were...


What does this mean for us, where will we be going in the next few years?

I know where I will be.

Right here, living it up and being happy ^.^


2013-11-18 18:20:01 by tox

skiing is like riding on a cloud, its extesy and happiness, its freedom and death's grip when all you can see around you is the mountain rushing past you and knowing that every movement could be your last if something happens,
its cold and bitter if you fail, and exciting in your challenge of nature, its defiant in the respect that we as a species will activly seek out to put our selves in an environment that is both deadly highly pricy for our natural selected economy, all to fall off a large rock and then call it fun ...

but then you get to the mountain and you see the size of the thing that you are about to be going down and your mind begins to race with both the consequences and the exhilaration that you will be experience soon, the joys and the wind, the activity, and the frost, the snow ice and powder

a gentle snow that lands on the hill only serves as one thing, speed trails.. as you fly down the mountain and then turn your self around and all you see if the powder/snow that you are pushing back into the air around you from your displacement of the air, its breath taking as much as breath sapping,
then you hit ice soon after and you are still turned around, and you try to stop and fail to do so because you don't have enough grip on the mountain that you are on, its gut wrenching, and time freezes at the moment that you know that you are about to either die or injure your self..
and then when you hit snow again and have enough traction to right your self.. and you do so... taking that first breath as the wind begins to hit your face again after what feels like an eternity, is.. ... ... ..

its passion..

its perfect..

you then proceed to ark steeply and then shift into some trees where most people do not tread and you find your self entering some powder that literally feels like you just lost the ground from under your feet.. the feeling that you are still in the same environment, the same sound, the same clean taste in the air, the same sky, but without gravity, and without resistance is baffling to even the best of minds..

the jumps where you leave the ground physically and begin to fly, only to be met with the purity of the pain as your feet slam back into the base of your boots signaling the feelings that you are indeed part of this world could not be farther from the truth when everything around you that rushes past you at high enough speed to hurt you, or put you in a hospital bed, the feelings of the world dropping out from under you, the feeling of fear, anxiety and happiness all at once.. its staggering..

there is nothing like it!
i have gone sky diving, jumped on trampolines, i have hurt my self, had dreams so real that i seemed to never wake up, herd birds and smelt the beauty of a fresh spring day where the snow is melting, and the rain is just starting to fall in a sun shower, i have felt the bitter chill of fall and seen the changing of the leaves in all their glory of life and death and color in fall, the essence of heat and the cooling effects of a cold drink or quick plunge in a semi warm lake that is so clean that you can see the bottom 20 feet down and have friends all around you..
but nothing compares to the grip of the winter when it over takes the land, how it freezes everything, how it kills everything, and how in all it reverend glory, its atestable might, its beauty and grace, and its victorious power... that you stand physically alone at the base of the mountain and look up at the glory and think to your self
this is about to happen...

riding up the ski lift, you freeze.. the wind over taking every corner and nook that you have exposed
the trees draped in the convergence of a time lock of white and sparkling
the ground under you falling to well over 50 feet down signaling that there is no turning back
the gentle shutter of every holding tower that you cross over on your eventual rise to the top of the world
the laughter and words of friends as you chat about the condition of the frozen world around you
the first feeling of getting off the chair where your seat will quickly cool and you are yet again alone to your enclosed senses
you push off with your skis strapped to you, and you glide gracefully over to the launch point at the top of the world and you pause to look around...
miles and miles of frozen trees, the distant haze of the real world off in the corner of your vision, the stark definition of the other clustered mountains around your hill, each glazed with the essence of winter
then you look down..
the run beckoning you, it calls your name and is defiant that you cant simply claim victory in its presence, and laughs at your will to challenge it
and you, locked away in your shields of cloth and technology viewing the world through altered colors from your goggles, your own body heat fluctuating from the environment standing in the alien world, surrounded by howling wind and savagery of jack frosts and lady winters empire...

you push off...

and ski.

Toxie toxie toxie

2013-06-11 09:25:28 by tox

Furry, brony and all around good person

remember, i love a lot of people... maybe even you
proof that sign up date matters

Toxie toxie toxie

the tox in me

2011-07-30 17:23:17 by tox

Im here on ng to sort things out
Im a really nice person to get along with as long as respect is shown ^.^
Im a bronie
Im a furry
Im bi and a pansexual
I love, love and waffles and vodka, (but I don't drink much)
I have been here a while and seen my share of shitheads and people i would defend from an attacker
Send me a pm, I bet i can be your friend or help you out ^.^

and to my friends, and you know who you are, I am looking out for you and i send my love over the air my gf had a accident recently... ask me about how its going in her recovery, i will probably like to hear people giving support
shes doing just fine shes getting back into the swing of things but as far as i can tell shes finding it hard to love me, and what not... its kind of odd having to really hunt for that smile from her now

youtube pony music playlist 10 hrs worth.... make that near 15 hours now.... make that 20 clopping hours!!!!

omg 10k ... i waited 3 years for that mark.. and now i have done it...

friday the 13 2012, never forget

Interview with asandir omments

one mans life

2011-06-15 02:51:51 by tox

Some of the most thoughtful times I have ever had in my life thus far, were sitting in the cab of a truck, at work with nothing to do but think, funny how that works, when we as people fit our minds to something we can do it...
I am considering joining the military and abandoning my life as a civi, but its a comitment that will take 7years of my life.. id be 28 ish by the time I got back...
that's a big number it seems.. 28... but what a experience it would be.. bullets, bombs, aid, and the places id go... ... 1:/
My signature will never take so much out of me in my life.. and I could die, or come back a wreck because I enjoyed watching other die by my finger trigger...
Desissions desisions, and only so long before I can't make the choice...

deaths way and pronouncation

2011-05-16 05:40:55 by tox

I think I need to tell you a story.
this is a morals and ideas kind of piece where death, life come into focus.
Take your self and put your self in a garage, there is a bunch of things in your garage, and you have been accumulating things for years including gardening tools, hoses, to wood for fires numerous amounts of chemicals fr cleaning cars to carpets, to camping gear... just a bunch of stuff.

Now imaging you hear a meow somewhere in that mess of your garage.
It's a sound that rings over your iPod ear buds, its haunting in every way, a challenge for you to find where its origin came from.
So, you take up the torch and start your hunt. You hear it again and you quickly take out your ear buds to be able to localize it. Its coming from the other side of the garage so you start taking steps to get over there. Watch out for the nails and that stack of wood you pled up walker in the year, dodge the surf board and jump over the christmas stuff... meow... there that sound is again
You quickly jump the conclusion phase of where the sound came from and look hopelessly at the brick and wood wall you had made years ago.
you sigh and start digging because a feeling of death lingers on that little voice that you have not connected with yet. After a few minuets, and no sounds from that little trapped creature you hear a final meow, your questions come to a point and you take out a light source.. ( lamp, iPod, cellphone, flashlight whatever) And you start to look at your work through the dust that is starting to settle and right there, a little orange kitty looking, staring at you. And then it closes its eyes and gives a meow then looks at you again and meows again.
There is a look of joy on both of your faces as you have now found each other, but then you start to notice the condition of the small little hole that the cat is in, mouse droppings along the wall, a smell of decay in the air, dust and dirt on the cat, death of hundreds of insects and small things at its feet and here this bright little orange kitty right in the center of it all.

Now being the smart person you are you are not about to reach your hand into somewhere, where it could be scratched or bitten or come into contact with more diseases than you can, could or would want to name, so you go into your house. And you fetch your self a pair of gloves.
All this time have left the garage door open and your own door open, and after returning you find the poor thing still sitting right where you saw it last but this time with a look of question in its eyes.

You put on your gloves and you look at the cat and tell it that it wont like what is about to happen if it fights you, so you reach in and watch as it sniffs your glove harmlessly, almost reassuring you that there is not going to be any hissing or claw marks on you in a few seconds.
You reach behind the neck and gently as you can grab a hold of its scruff and pull smoothly towards your light, and out of that little hole that it called home a few moments ago.

Its skinny and not very strong but looks healthy for being in your garage for maybe a little over 3 days without food or water... so now you cradle it and it tries to push away from you,
It is an awkward little scene with the orange fluff in your hands pushing away and you walking out of your garage only trying to comfort it, stumbling over things that you have piled to the side to be able to park a car in the last of the garage.

You set it down and it very slowly moves off and then darts away.
No more than 3 meters it stops cold and turns its head to look at you. It gives you a look that you have never seen before, And in an instant it turns and runs a little more, it hops up on a fence and before it disappears from your sight it looks back at you again and gives you the same look.
Your watching it as it goes, and after your feeling of heroism passes you start to think about that look it gave you. It was haunting in every way you have never seen before.
You continue to think and a gust of wind hits you in the side from nowhere.
At the time the wind hit you were talking to your self trying to figure out the look it gave you. You had just passed love and had just spoken the lines of death...

You look back at the tiny hole it had worked into, and upon second analysis found the area where it was sitting to be almost dust free, it had been sitting there for a while you mutter.
looking back on the look the cat gave you there was something in its eyes that pierced you, like it had something to say but was silenced long ago, it was something more than fear, and more powerful than love, and did justice on your thoughts.

I went through this the other day, and the look that cat gave me is something that is haunting me because of the conclusion I came to of what it was actually saying to me,
there is no emotion and no question or thought behind the look it was a blank and emotionless aimless and piercing look.
the animal had chosen my garage to die in; starve to death, the place it would rest its body...
if you will also note, it is not with the comfort of its family or masters, but in a cluttered dusty smelly garage, far from a warm bed, and its comforts and love.
Humans see suicide in a multitude of ways, from the 5 stages of death, to the more scientific version at 26 stages of death. To the biblical, our gods will grant us passage to a utopia of an after world ranging to complete utopia, to virgins, to a second life, to reincarnation, but take that all away and look at the hopelessness of it all, the animal that decided to die alone, in a cold dark hole, dust and mouse crap surrounded, had accepted its death and was probably only a few hours from going over the edge.

In the end it is the way we all face our eventual demise, and looking at it, it is that same cold place that we will all end up and probably think to ourselves, "this is it" then we will get the life flash, the final words to ourselves, and the eventual decision to close our eyes one last time; never to re-open again.
the look that was given to me was of a higher power, like death was looking at me, and in the idea of the grim reaper, he was biding his time and clenching his bony fist and muttering things at me.
in a more Christian view if the temporal viewpoints had been exposed there were angels and demons standing next to me and watching me directly....
profound how simple a task, can have so many views and alterations in it as picking up a meowing cat in a small hole.

there is one thing to take from this though, through the sadness of knowing that an animal that the Egyptians cherished as gods, the same animal we call our furry friends and tell all our secrets to, to the more comical ceiling cat, had chosen its place and time, is that it took something like that to snap what we call a sentient being into his existence.

If one is to truly live, one must face his death or fight for it as Tyler Durden would say...
the thing that is striking a sour note though is the fact that it usually takes something like this to create a human mind as we see it in the general spectrum and norm... to understand science death, life, each other, our life and how we head and all that jolly crap, but the need for death in our minds, is what sets us apart from the animals, not the will power, not the thumb, or an ability of the human body, not that we eat the other animals or can create with our minds, in the end it takes death, to make us...
and that is the question that is to piercing. why do human needs revolve around death, or in the more practical version, why do we avoid it, if it is what defines us as human?

the little cat with its helpless meow, when taken metaphorically in our actions to rectify that meow, is what humans are designed chemically to do, defeat death, and in the most simple of acts, unconventional love and helping something, we fulfil ourselves in that desire for victory.
leading to the idea, what is death, and how do we define it and its ability to control us?

deaths way and pronouncation


2010-12-28 01:48:10 by tox

sleep sleep like the sheep
pillows and sheets and warmth in the night
sleep today and sleep at night
turn your room into a chamber of thoughts
silance in dreams means a clear head
cayos is the night might mean dreams of fright
now we are still as the song birds.
the moon hangs high atop the trees and clouds
it shines the world with a smile of dreams
water on the ground in a mist in the air
creatures of the night are still hard at work
making the world ready for the day and its light
and sleep we all do
and rest for the morning to come
a day of games and play
but for now we will sleep, in the night of soft dreams and times
sleep now
sleep now
sleep now

load your gun

2010-06-08 13:13:49 by tox

bullets to fly
graves to dig
men to fall, and tears too sweet
these hands will tell tales
of bloodshed and pain
written in red
and drown in blood
shotgun in hand
i bust down the door
cards fly up and pistols out far
2 shells go out and 5 bullets return
2 men are dead, and i stand alone
pain overwhelming
and dripping to the ground
my pride is broken twice...
mid chest and collar bone
last breath on earth is pure with life
and stretching to the end, that cannot come
we all die now
only to wake up in white beds
... at least i woke
some men carry on, some just fill space
others will be on display in a different place
doctors all around and police stand aside
i did the impossible
i took two lives
buried with honors
while i stand with shame
life and death so simple
when a gun gets a hand

to a m8

2010-06-06 22:43:31 by tox

dear ass crumb.. ur good now :)
i totally lied, go away

dear Ass-Crumb

2010-06-02 01:03:56 by tox

dear mods.. if you are reading this then this is the fallout of a ... "good sport" sort of duel between me and ass-crumb, i will soon change it, but just for the shits and giggles, i will be keeping it up for a while :)

dead Ass-Crumb
pile of stinking shit
fucking die
~~ Haiku to Ass-Crumb 3-5-3

i wake this morning with shit on my screen
Ass-Crumb was here and he hit the fan screen
not able to make it up and to the wind
he tried again but only found pain
the blades were turning
and sucked him in
he covers the wall now
Ass-Crumb you fucking shit stain
i hate you now in this fit of rage
emotion and anger fill my veins
pump through my heart and straight through my brain
Ass-Crumb you fucking shit stain
~~Rhyme poem to Ass-Crumb

Ass-Crumb i hate you
my poetry is better
nothing but asshole
tarnish your name i have done
hate you till the end of time
~~Tanka poem to Ass-Crumb 5-7-5-7-7